As of May 16th I will be an official USC graduate with my B.A. !!
As the day nears I realize just how anxious I really am, but not to graduate, but to have to start my life. I have always wanted this day to come, I was excited to get on with my life, but now I don't know what the heck I am going to do! Now I understand the motivation for some people to continue school. Of course the degree, but also the fact, they don't have to start their life after school.
During school all I wanted to do was move back home. Now that the time is coming when I can move back home, I don't want to anymore. I'm scared I'll get stuck in the rut of SSDD (Same S@$% Different Day).
I have no idea what I am going to do for a job. I have lots of ideas for things I would like to do, like volunteer, start working on my idea for children's books, get back to playing volleyball, but none of this stuff makes money, which I need if I want to eat. I have been looking around for jobs that are relevant to my career goals, but have yet to be successful.
I have considered Law School as a possible path. I am going to take some prep LSAT classes when I finish school and take the LSAT. I want to go to Law School, but I don't know if I want to do the 3-4 years of more school.
I am going to take the time after I graduate to see if I can get anything good going, if I can't then maybe I go back to school and get my Masters or a Law degree.
I realized in my writing there are a lot of statements followed by "but", I guess you would call that "being torn". In 1 1/2 months ready or not, I am going to be thrown in the deep end. I know I won't drown, I just haven't figured out my method of staying afloat.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Trust
I believe trust is one of the most important element to a relationship and just my luck, I can't trust and believe me, it is a horrible, crazy, scary, lonely place to live.
I have worked out this theory in my head that makes sense to me, that you can't 100% trust someone because you are not them. You are not in their head and do not know what they are thinking. You are unable to know if they are omitting information, or what the person is really thinking, so therefore you can't 100% trust someone.
I would really like to learn to trust someone. And if you are wondering where this feeling has come from, no, I have never been cheated on before or have been in a dishonest relationship. The only explanations I have for not being able to trust someone, might be my parents divorce. I thought everything was perfect until one day they told us they were getting separated. For me, this doesn't seem to be the reason for my mistrust, but it might. I have also considered the power aspect of it, which seems closer to what I believe. If I never "trust" someone then they can never lie to me or take advantage of me. I keep my power. But, I have found even though I say I don't trust people to protect myself, if someone were to lie to me, i know it would hurt just as much. I also KNOW that my insecurities is also what is keeping me from trusting, so I am working on that too. Lately, learning to trust has been at the top of my to do list. I know how important it is in a relationship to have this and I know it is important for my boyfriend to have my trust.
On the other hand, It is extremely important for me for someone to trust me. I believe this is possible because I know myself and my intentions and thoughts and I know someone can trust me. I work really hard to gain people's trust. Karma keeps me honest and just wanting to be a good person keeps me honest. I don't lie to my boyfriend because I think if I do, then with Karma, he is lying to me to. So if I am honest, I can only wish he is being honest with me too. This semester I am taking a Relational Ethics class that I really enjoy. In class we read a book called "Lying" by Sisella Bok. I was hoping this would be my answer. This book would provide me with a theory that I can adapt to help me learn to trust. I really loved the book and taught me a lot about lying and truth. But when it came to learning how to trust it basically said I can only trust that people are being truthful. Truthful meaning telling what they know to be the truth! I don't want someone's perception made as my own truth. It still doesn't feel like enough. So I continue to struggle and stay too afraid to just let go, it's too hard. One day I hope to find that way of letting go and just hoping people won't lie to me will be sufficient. Until then I'm not sure of anything.
I have worked out this theory in my head that makes sense to me, that you can't 100% trust someone because you are not them. You are not in their head and do not know what they are thinking. You are unable to know if they are omitting information, or what the person is really thinking, so therefore you can't 100% trust someone.
I would really like to learn to trust someone. And if you are wondering where this feeling has come from, no, I have never been cheated on before or have been in a dishonest relationship. The only explanations I have for not being able to trust someone, might be my parents divorce. I thought everything was perfect until one day they told us they were getting separated. For me, this doesn't seem to be the reason for my mistrust, but it might. I have also considered the power aspect of it, which seems closer to what I believe. If I never "trust" someone then they can never lie to me or take advantage of me. I keep my power. But, I have found even though I say I don't trust people to protect myself, if someone were to lie to me, i know it would hurt just as much. I also KNOW that my insecurities is also what is keeping me from trusting, so I am working on that too. Lately, learning to trust has been at the top of my to do list. I know how important it is in a relationship to have this and I know it is important for my boyfriend to have my trust.
On the other hand, It is extremely important for me for someone to trust me. I believe this is possible because I know myself and my intentions and thoughts and I know someone can trust me. I work really hard to gain people's trust. Karma keeps me honest and just wanting to be a good person keeps me honest. I don't lie to my boyfriend because I think if I do, then with Karma, he is lying to me to. So if I am honest, I can only wish he is being honest with me too. This semester I am taking a Relational Ethics class that I really enjoy. In class we read a book called "Lying" by Sisella Bok. I was hoping this would be my answer. This book would provide me with a theory that I can adapt to help me learn to trust. I really loved the book and taught me a lot about lying and truth. But when it came to learning how to trust it basically said I can only trust that people are being truthful. Truthful meaning telling what they know to be the truth! I don't want someone's perception made as my own truth. It still doesn't feel like enough. So I continue to struggle and stay too afraid to just let go, it's too hard. One day I hope to find that way of letting go and just hoping people won't lie to me will be sufficient. Until then I'm not sure of anything.
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