In five years...

In five years, where do I see myself?? I will be extremely successful, and by this I mean financially and in happiness. I see myself married and because divorce is not an option, it will be the to the man of my dreams. Knowing me, I will probably have a kid. In five years I'll be almost 30 so, that's a good time for me. I will have graduated law school and living in a house on lots of land. I will be working part time as a child advocate and with my other time I'll be writing children's books. If not that, then I will have opened up a restaurant and bar. Quite on the opposite sides of the spectrum but, they both sound like fun :) In five years, I plan on still being a smart ass and I will still have a sense of humor. ( i hope i never grow out of those qualities). Within those five years, I would have traveled to Japan, which is the only place outside this country, besides Mexico, I want to go. Hanging with my family will be my number one priority, my second one, is to never have to wake up too early. In five years I will still be able to appreciate a cold beer and some hot wings. I will still love champagne, fine wines and five course meals. In five years I plan to be well on my way to living the life I want to live.

Now, all that's left to do is wait and see if I am right :)

My Senior Good Bye to F.S.R.

I have two more blogs to write, but I can't think of a topic to write for the first of the two, but I do know what I want to write for the last one, so I'm writing them out of order.

We just finished up our last class and also just found out our 9-12 page final is due on Tuesday. An extension would have been nice, but I know I would have just used it to procrastinate it even more.
I first would like to start (that sounds a little redundant) by thanking my group members! I really enjoyed getting to know each and every one of you. We really had a great group. We were ALWAYS respectful of one another and we are a mix of opinionated people. We had our hot days, when you couldn't shut us up and the teacher would compliment our discussion, then we had our not so hot days, when we didn't talk about anything. Either way, I enjoyed it all. I wish everyone the bestest of luck with what ever their life holds, after the semester. Before that, good luck on your finals.

For the people not in my group, I would recognize Treysi and Paige, thanks ladies for always having something intelligent to say! I truly respect your opinions and know that you two will go far in whatever you do. Treysi, you could read my mind, any time i looked over at you, there were no need for words ;) I'm sure I'll be reading your opinions from the bench of the Supreme Court one day. Shannon, Nicole and Jacklyn, thanks for always having a smile on your face. Lighten up the mood a little in the class and we know we needed it. I am glad I met you girls. And last but not least, the teacher, thanks for teaching me how to freely speak responsibly. I have learned a lot about my first amendment rights and had many issues brought to my attention. It is something I will always be aware of.

For everyone else, thank you too! It would not have been a successful class or actually much of a class without you all. Good luck guys!

Classroom Culture

This last Thursday class, when we were looking at porn and children's books :) was filled with tense filled situations, of student on student confrontations. My response to it, constructive. When I hear some people talk I am amazed at their ignorance and lack of argumentation skills (and yes there is a correct way to argue) and I wish everyone can just see what i see and think what i think, but then i hear someone say some thing brilliant, that never even crossed my mind, and once again i am thankful for not everyone thinking like me.
I think the teacher does an excellent job at allowing us to work it out among ourselves. We are adults (whether we like it or not) and there is not better time to practice our free speech and practice it responsibly, than in class with our peers when things get a little heated. What we do need a little work on, is the respectful aspect of it and the understanding their are different perspectives i might not agree with, aspect of it. And that is where we can help each other.
I like when things get heated, and when people are opinionated, it makes for great debates! But that doesn't mean we need to fight each other, save that for our 6:00 break!!
Chill and just listen to what people have to say, you might learn something.
Looking forward to tonights class ;)

My boyfriend, my best friend

So I am going to get cheesy on you all and give a shout out to my man! First let me start off by saying, I have had some major drama in my life regarding boyfriends. I am not talking shit about them, they were great people, at the same time, they had a lot of emotions they still needed to figure out and as i came to learn, so did I. After having these real crazy and dramatic relationships I realized the one common denominator, ME. Ouch! That hit home, when I finally looked at myself and what I was attracting and how I was contributing to a not so healthy relationship. I did a lot of work on myself and tried to make myself who i wanted to be. This is when I met Kevin. Although I was immediately attracted to him and we completely hit it off, it was not all roses and kisses. We were two very different people. Almost the whole first year we were together was figuring out if this would even work. One element we did have since day one, was our ability to communicate. I know this is cliche, but communication really is the key! We have finally met on common grounds and now we can't get enough of each other. I have never been so happy with someone. He is truly my best friend. This is the first relationship when we have been able to eliminate all that high school, immature, and hurtful habits. Now we aren't perfect, but I know we can overcome what ever comes our way.
I don't think Kevin has realized just how thankful i am for him (even though I try and express it). He doesn't know what i have been through, to the extent that i know and to be able to just be with someone and be confident and secure with the relationship is wonderful. Kevin is freakin hilarious (that is what won my heart) and he is kind and not too proud to show me how he feels. I have realized the only time I can really breath is when I am touching him or he is around me. We share this mutual feeling of love for one another and I am so thankful he is in my life.

Winding down to the end of the semester and I can feel that I am fighting off a break down! I am usually very chill. Even though things are going crazy inside my head, I try to maintain a calm composure on the outside. I read this tip in a magazine one time, it basically said, fake it til you make it (and no i am not talking about orgasms). Fake that you are calm and relaxed and everything is under control, even if they are not. It will help you better to deal with LIFE!
So anyways, back to me and my crazy end of the semester. So I am graduating this semester YAY, so this means 20 units including Capstone!! I haven't had a problem all semester managing my time, although i am feeling the pain as the semester draws closer to an end. I can't even list the many things I have due within the 3 weeks of school. School work is getting super hectic and I am trying to keep my cool and just take it day by day. So to everyone finishing up the semester, hang in there! We are almost done!

Liberty v. Order

For my Intro to Creative Writing class we had to write a social action poem. When I wrote this, it was around the time when the class had the discussion of Liberty vs. Order. So that was my social action poem topic. Feel free to comment, the poem is still in the revision stages, so your comments would actually be helpful. Thanks for taking the time to read it!

Free as a Caged Bird

The burning star above our heads is beating down upon us,

it challenges our will to practice our rights, the

sweet smell of sweat on our body and souls, our sore throats, and

tears represents our dissent. We gather

on the black gravel road, thousands are there, our voice is loud.

Our voices are free and powerful like hurricane winds,

we slip through the government’s hands,

we march like a sea, but separate for no one.

Then, I feel a baton jab my left side and a shove from my right,

I look up and for a moment I am in the shadow of the policemen,

Atop horses, bikes, with steel toe boots, they wear

the uniform of government.

They have just disrupted a peaceful bee hive.

They are peppered among the crowds,

They are hungry hawks and we are little mice.

Waiting for us to be separated from our herd.

They fear us like the night and we fear them right back.

We are face down and hog tied on the streets, I feel the hot gravel sticking into my cheek

The sun shows us no mercy.

Our voice is broken from the crush of the tidal wave.

We are as free as a caged bird,

inside the walls of the government.

Random Free Write

I am sitting at my desk in my room. I am sitting on the edge of my chair and rocked forward because it helps me to sit up straight, which I don't always tend do. My housemates call my room my "cave" because I stay in here quite a bit throughout the week doing my homework. I have 20 units this semester along with Capstone, so school keeps me pretty busy. I am very fortunate to have my parents financial support, which allows me the extra time to focus on school instead of getting a job. But that also means, no excuses when it comes to grade time :) I don't mind getting help from my parents. I know some people don't have this option, or wouldn't take it if they did. I accept the helping hand. I figure just because someone opens the door for me, doesn't mean I won't walk through it :) I know it is important to always remember to be thankful when it happens, but not to except it.
Still sitting at my desk, I realize what a mess it is! Covered with post-its, papers, my phone, books, pictures, a bowl from lunch, couple glasses, a hammer, candles, pens, elephants (my favorite animal) and tons of other stuff that probably should not be on my desk. I am not the cleanest person alive, but I know where everything is or if it has been moved. I have a couple hours before class and I still need to take a shower and pack. I am heading home after class. I only live an hour and a half from here so I go home quite a bit. That is where my family, friends and boyfriend are. Probably going to move back there after I graduate this May.
As I am typing this blog it feels good to just be able to type whatever, but then I realize that other people are going to read this and I should try and capture their attention, so oh well, maybe next time!! Have a good day guys!

Child Advocacy Poem

Here is a poem I wrote about child advocacy. I am extremely passionate about child advocates and believe in their effectiveness. They give children a voice that is much needed. I am also writing my Capstone on the effectiveness of Court Appointed Special Advocates (CASA).

CHILD ADVOCACY

The shuffle of papers,

the low murmurs of voices turned to a soft hum,

the lawyer’s black high heels land hard on the wood floor.

They head through the swinging doors and then to behind her table.

The tension in the room is a thick fog.

All rise

The man who plays God to deliver

the verdict, has just entered into the room.

His robe sways carelessly, then rests as he takes his seat. All sit

The abusive dad looks behind his bench to see his abused daughter in the pig tails he did for her this morning and in the flower dress her grandma bought.

He shaved today for the first time in months, his breath smells of whiskey and mouthwash.

Your honor, sir, I didn’t mean to hit her that hard, I’m getting help. I promise

never again. Can I please bring my daughter home, I am all she has.

Okay, God says, you will get another chance, but this is

the last time

The daughter lowers her black and blue face to hide her tears.

If only I picked up all my toys, she thinks.

Court is dismissed

The father loosens his tie and untucks his shirt as he walks towards his daughter. He grabs her tiny hand and

it disappears in his.

My Life After This

As of May 16th I will be an official USC graduate with my B.A. !!
As the day nears I realize just how anxious I really am, but not to graduate, but to have to start my life. I have always wanted this day to come, I was excited to get on with my life, but now I don't know what the heck I am going to do! Now I understand the motivation for some people to continue school. Of course the degree, but also the fact, they don't have to start their life after school.
During school all I wanted to do was move back home. Now that the time is coming when I can move back home, I don't want to anymore. I'm scared I'll get stuck in the rut of SSDD (Same S@$% Different Day).
I have no idea what I am going to do for a job. I have lots of ideas for things I would like to do, like volunteer, start working on my idea for children's books, get back to playing volleyball, but none of this stuff makes money, which I need if I want to eat. I have been looking around for jobs that are relevant to my career goals, but have yet to be successful.
I have considered Law School as a possible path. I am going to take some prep LSAT classes when I finish school and take the LSAT. I want to go to Law School, but I don't know if I want to do the 3-4 years of more school.
I am going to take the time after I graduate to see if I can get anything good going, if I can't then maybe I go back to school and get my Masters or a Law degree.
I realized in my writing there are a lot of statements followed by "but", I guess you would call that "being torn". In 1 1/2 months ready or not, I am going to be thrown in the deep end. I know I won't drown, I just haven't figured out my method of staying afloat.

Trust

I believe trust is one of the most important element to a relationship and just my luck, I can't trust and believe me, it is a horrible, crazy, scary, lonely place to live.
I have worked out this theory in my head that makes sense to me, that you can't 100% trust someone because you are not them. You are not in their head and do not know what they are thinking. You are unable to know if they are omitting information, or what the person is really thinking, so therefore you can't 100% trust someone.
I would really like to learn to trust someone. And if you are wondering where this feeling has come from, no, I have never been cheated on before or have been in a dishonest relationship. The only explanations I have for not being able to trust someone, might be my parents divorce. I thought everything was perfect until one day they told us they were getting separated. For me, this doesn't seem to be the reason for my mistrust, but it might. I have also considered the power aspect of it, which seems closer to what I believe. If I never "trust" someone then they can never lie to me or take advantage of me. I keep my power. But, I have found even though I say I don't trust people to protect myself, if someone were to lie to me, i know it would hurt just as much. I also KNOW that my insecurities is also what is keeping me from trusting, so I am working on that too. Lately, learning to trust has been at the top of my to do list. I know how important it is in a relationship to have this and I know it is important for my boyfriend to have my trust.
On the other hand, It is extremely important for me for someone to trust me. I believe this is possible because I know myself and my intentions and thoughts and I know someone can trust me. I work really hard to gain people's trust. Karma keeps me honest and just wanting to be a good person keeps me honest. I don't lie to my boyfriend because I think if I do, then with Karma, he is lying to me to. So if I am honest, I can only wish he is being honest with me too. This semester I am taking a Relational Ethics class that I really enjoy. In class we read a book called "Lying" by Sisella Bok. I was hoping this would be my answer. This book would provide me with a theory that I can adapt to help me learn to trust. I really loved the book and taught me a lot about lying and truth. But when it came to learning how to trust it basically said I can only trust that people are being truthful. Truthful meaning telling what they know to be the truth! I don't want someone's perception made as my own truth. It still doesn't feel like enough. So I continue to struggle and stay too afraid to just let go, it's too hard. One day I hope to find that way of letting go and just hoping people won't lie to me will be sufficient. Until then I'm not sure of anything.

Roomates

So, a friend of mine who lives in another state, we'll call her Kelly (I promise this story is not about me) currently has the issue of figuring out what she is going to do next year as far as housing situations go. She is currently living with two other girls( uh, Melanie and Sara) in this really nice house. Melanie is graduating and moving back home at the end of their lease in August. The other girl, Sara, wants to move to another place with Kelly. Well, Kelly doesn't exactly want to live with Sara anymore, but just doesn't have the heart to tell her because she doesn't want to hurt their friendship. Living together just didn't work for Kelly as well as she would have liked it to. So what to do?? Should Kelly lie to Sara? Should Kelly tell Sara the truth and risk hurting her and possilby their friendship? Or should Kelly suck it up and just move again with Sara?
I was thinking a lot about her situation. Is it okay to lie to Sara to protect her feelings and salvage their relationship? I guess the ethical thing to do in this situation is to tell the truth. If I was in this situation I would hope that my friend would respect my decision and try and understand I am doing this to maintain our friendship. My friend has come to me for advice and now I come to you. I don't know what she should do. If Sara is sensitive, she might not understand Kelly's good intentions and respect her honesty. This is definatley a difficult situation and makes me wonder why it is so hard to tell the truth when it is the right thing to do. Lying seems more appealing in this situation but Kelly hopes not to go that way. Any Advice?

Today in class we discussed the framers of the Constitution addressing the highly debated issues of whether or not this is a Christian Nation, the separation of church and state, the freedom of religion and its relevance to freedom of speech. Our group was very invested in these topic. One underlying theme I saw in the book "Founding Faith" was that many of the Framers i.e. George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, James Madison, and Thomas Jefferson, had their own belief and religion they belonged to, but each one seemed to pick and chose what they wanted to believe and practice within their religion. We began sharing with one another how we have treated religion in our own lives.
I was raised Catholic. I was baptized when I was a baby, made my First Holy Communion in first or second grade, was Confirmed when i was in High School. I grew up going to church every Sunday with my family, prayed before bed and had prayers hanging on my wall. I had church memorized :) Church was always something that was a part of my life in some way. That was true until my parents got a divorce. My dad and my mom continued going to church separately. It was not an ugly divorce, it was civil, no one cheated, they just grew apart. My mom and dad tried to continue the way of life they knew. As many know, getting a divorce is not looked very highly upon in the Catholic faith. People at church, who we thought were our friends, began being incredibly rude to my mother. Not sitting next to her, calling her names, not talking to her, and i'm sure if they could, they would have liked her to stay out of the church all together.
Seeing the way these people treat someone, my mother, mad me ashamed to be a part of this church and religion! I can't imagine that that is how God wants us to treat one another. It made me start thinking about my relationship with God and my religion.
I have stopped going to church and began creating a relationship with God on my own terms. I don't believe there is only one way or a right way to have a relationship with God or any religion. I feel confident with the relationship I now have with God, I feel like we understand each other. So I don't appreciate when people who call themselves my friends or people who don't even know me tell me I am wrong or going to Hell or I can't do this. I have chose to practice what i believe in my religion. There is no one right answer. If it makes you feel good, gives you faith, hope, love, peace, whatever!!! Then it's right for you and keep doing what you are doing.

Group work

So a recent incident with a school assignment, has left me pondering group work. Here, at CSUMB, there are many assignments that call for group work. Assignments where you are either placed in groups or you choose your group partners. This dependency on other people makes me cringe. I understand the importance of being able to work well with others and in "the real world" there are many times when group work is necessary. I get it! I have found it extremely frustrating when I am partnered with someone who does not have the same work ethic that I do, or just doesn't work at all. I respect the teachers who understand there are students out there just waiting for a group project so they can sit back, let others do the work and get the grade. Those teachers provide group member evaluations :)
Group work is not just frustrating because of the free riders (those who don't work but get the grade), but say we all get lucky and get put into a group with hard workers, A+ students, it is almost impossible to schedule a time when everyone can meet outside of class. My grade should not be dependent on someone else and someone else's grade should not be dependent on me.
Again, don't get me wrong, I know the reason teachers do group work, sometimes, like in my Free Speech and Responsibility class, there is a good reason for group work, discussion. To hear other perspectives, to learn to problem solve, to learn to collaborate, to learn to work well with others, etc. Sometimes group work is good. Other times, just let us do the work on our own! Give us a choice at least.

Thanks for letting me vent, how do you feel about group work??

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Just getting a feel for this, it's my first time ;)